You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
