All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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