Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
