The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
