I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
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some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
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From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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