All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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