Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
