i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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