my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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