The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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