I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
