I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
