Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
