After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
