my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
