I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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