My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize