One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
worst night to have a conscience
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
