I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
