Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
