I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.