After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
