i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
