im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
