I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We got so high we made milksteak
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
