My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
