i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
