I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
