I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
