Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
