I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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