The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
