Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
