Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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