You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
