i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
