Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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