I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
