just come out here and I will go home with you...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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