Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
