so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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