How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
