Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
