I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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