Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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