I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
