Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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