I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
