can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
