the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
