Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
