His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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