You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
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She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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