How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
